SIGH

It was all so strange to me….this darkness was looming over me; it was present each morning as I rise.  I’d sit on the edge of my bed, hang my head and let out heavy sigh.

What is this? I could not shake it.  I thought I would be so excited to take my upcoming business trip to California; in fact, just months earlier I was geared up and ready to go but as the days grew closer to leave I started to feel dreadful.

I would remind myself I was taking a free trip home, I could see my family, I made plans on visiting the Happiest Place on Earth; Disneyland so I can grab some new Mickey ears, but none of that made me happy….I just sighed.

The day before my trip I spoke to my youngest son; he has a knack for lifting my spirit.  I expressed to him how hesitant I was in going to California.  I was feeling this weight on my shoulders and I was so unhappy but I could not pinpoint it to anything.  My boy said to me, “Mom, one day soon I’m going to call you and tell you to quit your job”  I love this blessing in my life called, Christopher.

I really liked the people I was going to go work with and loaded my suitcase up with small Texas souvenirs as a token to remember me by;  had I discerned that this would be the last time I would see them?

Part of my duties was to make sure to hire 275 employees for that week I was going to be there.  Believe me when I say, that was the easy part of it of the job.

I arrived on Feb. 8th and headed straight to the client site.  It was so good to see everyone and in fact, there was a woman I had butted heads with on my last trip that I went to God  and asked Him if He could heal the relationship, and you know HE DID!    We hit it off and also spent a private moment where we both opened up our hearts to one another.  God is AH-MAZING!

Next day the work day started at 4:30 AM, yes I said 4:30 AM and the day would last for 12-15 hours; this was everyday.  The employees all showed up, that right there was a big deal and I was happy but that also meant having to keep up with 275 new employees for a week.  This proved to be most challenging as I was handling it on my own.  I had suppliers there but they came and went and could be just as demanding as the employees.

I was exhausted physically and mentally and stressed out.  I just sighed.

Sighing is what I was doing the rest of the week.  My grandson who I had along with me so that he could work, said, “Grandma each morning when you wake up, all I hear is you letting out a sigh”  I was feeling defeated even before starting my day.   I cried so many times during this week.

I met with my family to celebrate birthdays for both my boys.  I had looked forward to seeing them.  It was so wonderful to see my family….but I could not express all the joy I was feeling as I was so stressed out, which my sister quickly pointed out.  She just said to me, “You don’t look good”, I didn’t feel good….as I knew the next morning I had to wake up and deal with this job.

Friday finally rolled around and we had the day off….a day off, I couldn’t believe it!  I told my grandson we are going to Disneyland….let’s go have lunch, get some ears and enjoy this day of FREEDOM!   My grandson and I enjoyed the day and had some really good laughs.  This boy here….what a joy he is!  He kept me encouraged, he made me smile when I didn’t want to smile, he made me laugh at moments where I felt like giving up.

I got back home, my husband wanted me to rest.  He saw my condition and was upset that I was so stressed out.  I wasn’t through with the job yet, I had reports that needed to go out for each day I was there.  I tried hard to get them done while there but OF COURSE this was the week my laptop also decided to die slowly.  I kept losing power, I kept losing internet connection.  I went out an bought a new cord for it which helped some but not enough to complete the reports, sigh.

Later on in the week I called our EAP to set up counseling as I grew concern about my mental state.  I was not happy and I could not stop the tears.  I went to the counselor and although she was nice and all, I knew it wasn’t a good fit.  Was I turned off that she had her dog lead me to her office….not I don’t think it was that, as weird as it was, thought it was kinda of cute, but the counselor wasn’t for me.

I did however get the book she recommended; The child within….the first few pages were scary because it described me….I didn’t like that I was text book classic but I asked God to humble my spirit so I can start to heal.

I need to find a new counselor, one that lines up with more of my belief’s in God and not Buddha as the previous counselor loved to quote.   Buddha had some great quotes but Jesus’ Word is life!

Today I’m in a better place….as what was written above was months ago….but Today I have a better sense of myself.  I have moments but those moments quickly pass when I remind myself that I’m created by God and although He understands what I’m going through mentally He always finds a way to lift my spirits up and remind me of His love for me.  What a Mighty God!!!

The journey continues.